Do You Enjoy Conflict?  

Most leaders don’t. When conflict looms, it creates problems: it’s emotionally draining and inefficient. In short, conflict makes work feel like work.

A few years ago I had a realization about the nature of conflict and it’s been a game changer.  It’s simple, yet powerful.  

Conflict = Disagreement + Threat

Without a threat, there’s no conflict—just a difference of perspective. Even with high stakes, if neither of us perceives a risk, we’ll navigate the challenge without feeling conflict.

This isn’t semantics. We all encounter situations that escalate to conflict, even mild ones. Understanding this equation is crucial for handling these situations effectively. Here’s why…

In conflict situations, we focus on the disagreement because it’s tangible and visible. It seems like the main issue, but there’s a catch: resolving a disagreement is impossible when an underlying threat exists. As Abraham Maslow taught us, safety is our first priority. Without it, creativity and problem-solving are stifled.

We need to separate the disagreement from the threat and tackle them individually. Start with the threat.  By eliminating the threat, we liberate the resources needed to address the disagreement.

Identifying the threat can be harder than it sounds and the reason is simple.  The disagreement is right in front of you, so it’s easy to see.  The threat, or risk, is something you imagine will happen in the future.  In fact, you may not be consciously aware the threat is present.    

Recently, a new senior executive described a conflict with a peer. When I asked about the underlying threat, she said, “I’m afraid we have philosophical differences about the best way to run operations.” What do you notice here?

She was renaming the disagreement, not identifying the threat. I asked, “what’s the worst thing you fear could happen?” After some probing, she admitted, “I worry I’ll be seen as a bully if I fiercely advocate for my position.”

Now that’s a real problem!  And notice how different this threat is from the original disagreement.  She can address the risk of being seen as a bully first, by having a direct conversation with her peer.  Once they work through the threat, they can explore their different perspectives on operations.  

Understanding the nature of conflict changes everything.  Navigating conflict isn’t working through the differences of perspective.  It’s about reducing the risk that lies beneath the surface.  

This opens the path to better solutions.